I was at a friends bbq on Labor Day. There were 2 infants there. One 3 months and one 1 month. I would have been fine except my friend kept looking at me with a sad puppy dog face like she felt bad for me. I am fine!!! I want MY baby. NOT someone else's baby. Other babies don't make me sad because they are not MINE.
Yesterday at work an inmate was having a siezure and Joe had to perform CPR. He told me that he knows our IVF is going to work this time. He says because he saved a life so God is going to give us a life. I wish it worked that way... My heart gets heavy when he tells me things like this because it tells me that he thinks about this a lot. It is hurting him just as much as it's hurting me. I see the way Gia looks at other babies and her eyes light up when there is a baby on the TV. She asks me for a baby brother or sister all the time. I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest and beaten. My heart hurts. Every single day.
I am terrified of what is next. I know I should be focusing on being positive for this cycle but I can't help but think about the "what if's". What if it doesn't work? Are we going to keep doing this? Are we going to use donor eggs? Are we going to give up? How many years will pass us by without having a baby? Is Gia going to go into high school with out having a sibling yet? Will I become AMA while still TTC? Then after all of those fears I have more fears. What if we finally get our baby only to find out our baby is not healthy? I am seeing more and more of these stories and it is so scary. I start to think...maybe there is a reason why God hasn't blessed us with our baby yet. He doesn't want to put our hearts through the pain of having a sick child. I don't know. Nobody know. Only God.
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