It's not that bad.

I haven't really been in the mood to update. There was nothing on day 5 to transfer. It was a sad day. Besides the obvious reason, it was also pretty sucky that I had to waste yet another day of PTO for no good reason. So, we've decided to move on from our current clinic. This doesn't mean that I blame them for our 3 failures there. I think they did all they could do. It's not them, it's me. It's my crappy eggs. So I went yesterday for a consult with Dr. Klein at RMA of NY in Westchester. It was a pain in the a$$ getting there and back. I also have another coonsult on November 13th at Cornell in NYC with Dr. Kligman. At Cornell they do co-culture. They take a biopsy of your endometrial lining after ovulation and freeze the sample. They thaw it after your egg retrieval and have your embryos grow with the sample. It's a familiar enviroment for the embryos and they tend to grow and divide much quicker like this. This seems like a winner to me. This is what our poor little embryos need. BUT, Joe and I have decided to give RMA NY a shot before we make the trek into NYC for a cycle. That alone will stress me out enough to have another failure. I wish I could just jump right in and get on board with the whole Cornell co-culture but I am just not ready for all that it entails. So 1 more cycle at RMA to finish off 2012 then if unsuccessful, we have something to look forward to in 2013....Cornell! At least we will feel like we have one more awesome option if we need it.

So back to the title of the post...it's not that bad. I have to stop asking God "why NOT this and why NOT that" and start saying "thank You for THIS and thank You for THAT". A little boy in my area passed away on Wednesday. Cancer beat him. He was 5 years old. I read his mothers blog. I cannot even think about it without tears beginning to roll down my cheeks. His mother held him as he gasped his last breath. When I think about this my heart tries to come up my throat. It's not fair. THAT is not fair. My issue is so minute compared to this. Maybe God knows I am not strong enough to handle something like that so he is dealing my cards differently. I would much rather go through the "pain" I am going through now then to hold my child in my arms helplessly and be able to let them go. I would not be able to do it. I can't even think about it. I'd much rather not have another child at all then to have them given to me only to be taken away from me too soon. My heart hurts. My heart hurts for that mother. How do you explain this to a sweet innocent little child? That it's not their fault? How do you make them understand how much you love them? And how much you are sorry that they have to go through this? THAT is not fair. Not me having 3 failed IVF's. So Thank You, God for my health. For my beautiful and HEALTHY daughter. For my amazing and HEALTHY husband. And for all of my family and friends health. I am truely blessed. I have too many amazing things in my life. My life would be "too perfect" if this came easily. I am up for this challenge and I AM going to win.