Tests, Tests, & more Tests!

BFP gallery!!! See normal women take ONE pregnancy test and chuck it in the garbage like a used tampon. Not us IVF girls. No way. If it was acceptable to frame and hang my pee test(S), I would. I wonder when I will be able to get rid of these beautiful tests. I know I cannot keep them forever so what is just as good?? Pictures!!

The first test 7dp3dt 12/20/2012

Freak out day... 8dp3dt

Got home took more tests...

10dp3dt (AFTER the call)

Later that night...



And the Mother Load...



Proven....

PREGNANT

That is right...I am pregnant. Pregnant, pregnant, PREGNANT. Can I say it again? Ok thank you...I'm pregnant!
I skipped Church yesterday because I was so nervous they would call while I was in there. Even though I wasn't expecting the call until 2pm. Thank goodness because they called at about 10:30 (right when Church gets out). I knew she was going to say I was pregnant so I don't know why I was so shocked and shaking as much as I was. I guess because that was confirmation. Hearing those words. Not just in my head but from another human beings mouth. I was trying to write down the beta number but I was shaking too much. Needless to say I wasn't able to get anything done yesterday for the first few hours after that. I could not focus and I couldn't wait for Joe to get home!
Some symptoms at this point were nightmares and very vivid dreams (although I always experience this on PIO). Hightened sense of smell. Charlie Horses! Which I alwayssss had when pregnant with Gia and only experience maybe 1 a year. I had it twice so I was beginning to wonder. Thirsty. Very very thirsty. But all of this is nothing that would've completely gave it away. At 5dt3dt I did feel something in my uterus. It was the most bizarre thing and it was kind of freaking me out. On the lower right side I felt burrowing. Exactly what you would expect implantation to feel like. I felt like a little mouse digging inside of me. It kind of tickled and was such crazy and exciting moment because I knew what was happening. 

One more thing.

Please please PLEASE don't let to world end tomorrow. My world is just beginning

Could it be?

You know when you wait for something for so long and you think it's never going to come...and then it comes and  you aren't sure how to react? That's what's going on. Is it real? Is it not real? Is this a joke? An evil trick? I've been down this road before so I have been robbed of letting my excitement show to its fullest extent.
Yesterday after work I went to the mall. I was in Express and I started to sweat. I couldn't get to the bathroom quick enough. Of course I got to the rest room and it was closed for cleaning so I had to scurry to another one. The whole time getting to the rest room (even though I was feeling like poo) I was smiling deep down because I was thinking to myself "oh my God, I am pregnant". I was violently ill in the bathroom. Then it dawned on me...I have the freaking stomach virus. A coworker had it on Monday and Tuesday but came in yesterday. I must have caught it because I was sick all night.
I woke up at 4:30 to use the bathroom and tested but didn't look at the test and placed it in the closet. I then tried to get back to sleep (with little success). Joe woke up at 5:30 and I told him I tested but I was scared to look at it and put it in the closet. I asked him to check it for me. He came back and said "I see 2 lines and I don't even have my contacts in yet". I got up and saw this...

It's crazy how a million things can run through your head in literally a split second. So for today, I am pregnant. Please let this be real. Please let me be pregnant for 37 more weeks. Please let us have a healthy baby. Please, please, please.

SNOW BABIES!

I still cannot believe it but Joe and I have TWO snow babies. I was told I would know on day 6 (which was yesterday) if any of the remaining embryos made it to freeze.  I originally did not want to know whether any made it or not until beta. I felt that if they didn't it would ruin any hope I had for this cycle. I didn't get a call yesterday so I figured no news=no embryos. Well, I was wrong. I went in for my progesterone check this morning and I asked the nurse that drew my blood (because the front desk ladies are meanies) if no call meant no news. She checked with another nurse who said she would check for me. She came out and said "you transferred 2 on day 3 and 2 made it to day 5 to freeze". I pointed at myself as if maybe she wasn't talking to me even though we were the only ones in the hall together. I started to tear up immediately. She said "congratulations, they're really good ones too". Me? Frosties? Good? Crying as I think about it... My embryos have never gotten that far before. I am so proud to call them MY snow babies! Or, I guess OUR snow babies. I am trying to keep myself from being overly curious about them and asking about their grades. I figure they have to be rockstars to be able to freeze because those standards are normally pretty high at most places. I am over the moon right now and if this cycle fails, I have something wonderful to look forward to. I am confident that if our baby(ies) aren't implanting right now, they are among those in the freezer. I briefly wanted to kick myself in the butt for not waiting until day 5 to transfer but I have to trust that I made the right decision to do a 3 day transfer based on my past cycles. I hope at least one of the ones they chose to transfer was just as good. We will wait and see. In the mean time, I am dreaming about my snow angels :)

I'm pregnant.

Yesterday I became pregnant. Today I am pregnant as well. Being that with all my IVF's my embryos crap out on day 4...I may or may not still be pregnant tomorrow. My only hope is that they can thrive better in my uterus. I keep looking at and feeling my belly. I am so obsessed. You never would know that I've been through this so many times before. Because this is really only the 2nd 2ww that I was given hope. The first IVF I had such high hopes because I was a beginner. The 2nd IVF the blast they transferred was such poor quality that I knew it was over before it was even transferred. The 3rd IVF I was robbed of my 2ww. So right now I feel every emotion across the board. From gitty and excited to scared and nervous. We got a picture yesterday of the embryos they transferred. I am happy to have them but at the same time I have been analyzing and obsessing over them non stop. I don't think this is healthy for me to be doing. The Doc described them as "textbook" embryos. Well, my last RE described my embryo on day 3 as "textbook" too and guess what...I had nothing to transfer 2 days later. So, I take that compliment with a grain of salt.
Here are my babies. I think they kind of look like me :)

I can't help but think they both look completely different.

I'm much better today but yesterday I was feeling extremely stressed and irritable. I was also feeling super senstive. The progesterone is making me a sucker. I got well wishes from a couple of friends yesterday that truly brightened my day and made me smile (and cry). So thank you JuneBugs. I miss you and I'm happy you're still routing for me <3.

Beta...12/24/2012....

PIO

In other news, I had to do my PIO myself this morning. I am so proud of myself when I do it alone. I was so excited!

Tomorrow's transfer day

Okay so I haven't had time to update because all this landed on the weekend. Friday I went in to see Dr. K and he said everything looked good and we were probably set for a Tuesday transfer. But he said we have to watch me closely and I will have to go into the NYC office Saturday and Sunday. I went in Saturday and he said everything looked great and I'd probably trigger tomorrow (Sunday). But then my estrogen level came back and they all of a sudden decided to tell me to trigger that night (Saturday). I was a little worried and nervous that all of my eggs may not be mature. The doc left my u/s pic up on the monitor so I decided to snap a picture. I thought it was cool since it's the most I've ever seen for myself on a scan.

So I triggered at 11pm on Saturday. I was able to do the Ovidrel in my tummy which was way cool. I usually do them IM and I hate those. So I go back into the city on Sunday (which by the way I found parking on the street both days! wahoo!) and I had an u/s and blood work. This time I actually asked the doc to county my follies. She counted 11 on the left and 7 on the right.

On Sunday I went with my BFF to go wedding dress/bridesmaid dress shopping. One of the bridesmaids says she needs the dress to be flowy because she plans on getting pregnant soon and she will be about 8 months pregnant for the wedding then. Well, let me just say it now in writing...mark my words...if I am not pregnant for this wedding and she is already 8 months along, I will jump off a bridge. Okay, maybe not jump off a bridge but would I be able to call out sick from my best friends wedding at least? Let's hope this doesn't happen. Anyways, the lady brought out a belly pillow to try on under the dress. I got to snap a picture of myself with the belly on. Every time I look at this picture my eyes tear up. I can't wait for this. I hope this is closer than I feel like it is.

Anyways, I had my retrieval on Monday morning at 11am. We were not so lucky to find parking on the street and had to pay $60 for 2 hours. My experience was so different from the last clinic. Not that the last one was bad. It's just that this place was so quick. I was really in and out. Super quickly. I felt much more crampy this time around but probably because I had much more eggs. They got 23 eggs. I was shocked to hear this. I couldn't wait for my fert report. I was expecting at least 15 but we only got 12. They say that's good but that's only 3 more than last time and last time all 9 arrested. Please, God, please let there be a good one in this batch. And please let that one be chosen to be transfered tomorrow. We are doing a 3dt and I'm very nervous. I need lots of luck.

Recap

Just making a note (since I forget everything) of my previous cycles...
IVF #1 Long Lupron Protocol 8r/5f
IVF #2 Antagonist Protocol don't remember!
IVF #3 Micro Dose Lupron Protocol 12r/8f
IVF #4 Long Lupron Protocol 23r/12f

Good.To.Go.

Oh hell yeah. I can start my stims tomorrow morning. YESSSSS! Let's do this!

No go...

Why on Earth would I think I would be able to start an IVF cycle without a delay? Silly me. I should know by now that nothing goes as planned in this process. I thought I had tougher skin by now but I actually cried about it. I know, I am a big baby. A glass of wine helped. This is just so stupid. The whole thing. (Yes, I am whining. I am allowed too.) I was told to come in on Friday and by then my progesterone should be down. Well, Jackee doesn't want to wait until Friday. So, I asked if I can come in on Thursday. Ha! I am temping in the mean time and as soon as I see my temp go below 98, I will know I am good to go. This morning it was 98.45. I hate temping because it makes me so anxious. All I think is "hurry up and get to bed so I can see what my next temp will be". And I'd always hope for a higher temp. Now, I so desperately want it to be LOWER. Funny how things work...and I always had a crap ass short luteal phase of 9 days. Now for some reason it decides to be longer? Really? STUPID!

IVF #4 Long Lupron Protocol

11/12/2012- start BCP
11/14/2012- add 10 units of Lupron
11/19/2012- Laparascopy (all clear)
11/20/2012- BW (ovulated through the BCP & Lupron-delay 2 days) NO more BCP. Just Lupron.
11/26/2012- BW & US start stims Progesterone too high (5) delayed until Thursday
11/29/2012- BW & US Progesterone 0.4, E2 20.4, decrease Lupron to 5 units/night
11/30/2012- START STIMS! GonalF 225 AM & 225 PM. Continue 5 units Lupron/night
12/1/2012- 225 am & 225 pm & 5 Lupron
12/2/2012- 225 am & 225 pm & 5 Lupron
12/3/2012- 1st monitoring appt. E2 359. Lots of follies! Same doses
12/4/2012- 225 am & 225 pm & 5 Lupron
12/5/2012- 2nd monitoring appt. E2 754. RE dropping my dose...
12/6/2012- 150 GonalF am & 225 GonalF pm
12/7/2012- 3rd monitoring appt. E2 1619.
12/8/2012- 4th monitoring appt. E2 3483. TRIGGER 11pm Ovidrel
12/9/2012- 5th monitoring appt. E2 4144. start dostinex to prevent OHSS
12/10/2012- Egg Retrieval. 23 eggs retrieved
12/11/2012- Start PIO. Fert report- 12 fertilized normally.
12/13/2012- Embryo Transfer. Transferred 2 BEAUTIFUL 8-cell embryos
12/17/2012- Progesterone check= <40! Excellent. Got the good news that we have TWO snow babies!
12/20/2012- First positive HPT
12/23/2012- 10dp3dt HCG 137 (WAHOOOOO)
12/26/2012- 13dp3dt HCG 448 (16dpo)
01/03/2013- 1st u/s BOTH IMPLANTED! 5w3d 21dp3dt HCG 9,789
01/11/2013- 2nd u/s BOTH HEARTBEATS 139! 6w4d HCG 50,000 drop PIO to EOD
01/18/2013- 3rd u/s Batman & Robin look great! 7w4d. Batman=7w4d Robin=7w5d HCG 162,959
01/21/2013- spotting
01/23/2013- spotting again. Moved u/s up. 4th u/s 8w2d. Batman & Robin look great! BPM 182 & 184
                     HCG 190,005. Released from RE! Stop PIO
01/30/2013- 9w2d found one heartbeat on doppler!
01/31/2013- 9w3d found both precious beautiful heartbeats on doppler!
02/05/2013- 1st OB appt!

Ready...Set...IVF #4

Okay...so I started BCP 2 weeks ago and added Lupron 2 days later. I hadn't ovualted yet and was on CD 26. I think they were trying to "override" ovulation so that I wouldn't ovulate at all. BUT, I ovulated anyways and had to wait 2 extra days. So I should be starting stims tonight. I also had a laprascopy done last Monday with Dr.Kligman at Cornell. I swore that they would find endometriosis. To my suprise, I woke up and was told NO ENDOMETRIOSIS. So, I was relieved (because who wants something to be wrong?) but was also hoping for some answers. Dr. Kligman wants to proceed with an IUI now after flushing my tubes. I like him but I don't know where all of his optimism is coming from...3 IVF's were unsucessful and now he wants to take steps backwards to IUI? I don't get it.

It's not that bad.

I haven't really been in the mood to update. There was nothing on day 5 to transfer. It was a sad day. Besides the obvious reason, it was also pretty sucky that I had to waste yet another day of PTO for no good reason. So, we've decided to move on from our current clinic. This doesn't mean that I blame them for our 3 failures there. I think they did all they could do. It's not them, it's me. It's my crappy eggs. So I went yesterday for a consult with Dr. Klein at RMA of NY in Westchester. It was a pain in the a$$ getting there and back. I also have another coonsult on November 13th at Cornell in NYC with Dr. Kligman. At Cornell they do co-culture. They take a biopsy of your endometrial lining after ovulation and freeze the sample. They thaw it after your egg retrieval and have your embryos grow with the sample. It's a familiar enviroment for the embryos and they tend to grow and divide much quicker like this. This seems like a winner to me. This is what our poor little embryos need. BUT, Joe and I have decided to give RMA NY a shot before we make the trek into NYC for a cycle. That alone will stress me out enough to have another failure. I wish I could just jump right in and get on board with the whole Cornell co-culture but I am just not ready for all that it entails. So 1 more cycle at RMA to finish off 2012 then if unsuccessful, we have something to look forward to in 2013....Cornell! At least we will feel like we have one more awesome option if we need it.

So back to the title of the post...it's not that bad. I have to stop asking God "why NOT this and why NOT that" and start saying "thank You for THIS and thank You for THAT". A little boy in my area passed away on Wednesday. Cancer beat him. He was 5 years old. I read his mothers blog. I cannot even think about it without tears beginning to roll down my cheeks. His mother held him as he gasped his last breath. When I think about this my heart tries to come up my throat. It's not fair. THAT is not fair. My issue is so minute compared to this. Maybe God knows I am not strong enough to handle something like that so he is dealing my cards differently. I would much rather go through the "pain" I am going through now then to hold my child in my arms helplessly and be able to let them go. I would not be able to do it. I can't even think about it. I'd much rather not have another child at all then to have them given to me only to be taken away from me too soon. My heart hurts. My heart hurts for that mother. How do you explain this to a sweet innocent little child? That it's not their fault? How do you make them understand how much you love them? And how much you are sorry that they have to go through this? THAT is not fair. Not me having 3 failed IVF's. So Thank You, God for my health. For my beautiful and HEALTHY daughter. For my amazing and HEALTHY husband. And for all of my family and friends health. I am truely blessed. I have too many amazing things in my life. My life would be "too perfect" if this came easily. I am up for this challenge and I AM going to win.

Choking back tears

I can't write much right now because I am at work and I've been choking back tears. Dr. Talebian says a couple of our embryos are good and some are abnormal (multiple nuclei per cell- something called "MNB" or multi-nucleated blasts).  It doesn't sound good at all and I am so sad. My ET was pushed back to 11:15 so I have to wait an extra 2 hours on top of all of this nonsense. I have been checking the success rates for DOR at all the nearby clinics. Success rates for DOR are SO low. So low that it is scary. I don't know if I should even be doing this anymore.

PIO=PITA

Welp, my body did it! It did not let me down this time. I barely slept Friday night because I was sure that my estrogen level would've dropped again and the cycle would've been cancelled. I almost didn't even go in for the blood draw I was feeling that negative. Dr. Nasseri called me at 10:30 Saturday morning. Usually phone calls = bad news. Not this time! The booster worked and my estrogen level shot back up. It was 3674 after trigger. Which by the way the trigger almost never happened. I was supposed to take my trigger at 11:15pm on Friday night. Well at about 10:55 I started icing the area and preparing the injection. Only to find out I cannot find the HCG. I was a basket case. I thought they never sent it to me. I had my empty jars from the past 2 cycles but neither had enough for a 5000iu trigger. I was able to pull out the order form and see that it was in fact delivered. But where was it??? My meds were shipped in styrofoam coolers. About 6 of them all together. I happened to save 2 of them because I thought they may come in handy as coolers one day. Well I ran down into the basement and started throwing all of the melted ice packs out. There at the bottom, shining like gold, was my box of HCG. Thank GOD!!! So we triggered a little late but at least we triggered! I thought for sure at that moment the cycle was a bust.

Anyways, yesterday at retrieval I had tylenol put into my IV. I don't know if it was that or what but I woke up feeling like a million bucks (almost)! Last time I was in a lot of pain and I was expecting it again.
Now I wait for the fert report...

My body hates me

My estrogen dropped again. Deja vu....
Everything looked great this morning. Then I got the call. I know whenever they call that something is wrong. My estrogen went from 2235 yesterday to 1946 today. Bad egg quality again?? Dr. Nasseri wanted me to take a booster dose as soon as possible. So I ran home on my lunch break to take 225 follistim and 3 vials of menopur. I have to trigger tonight at 11:15. The good news is that I haven't heard the word CANCELLED yet. The nurse did fail to give me an ER appt time though which makes me think they aren't scheduling it yet because they don't know what's going to happen. This really isn't fair. I don't know what to do from here. I am so scared for tomorrows blood work results.

Just for refrence... last cycle E2 was 2700 before trigger and decreased to 1800 after trigger.

Crunch time

Well, I wasn't expecting Dr. Nasseri to tell me that he thinks I will have ER on Sunday (trigger tomorrow) but that looks like it may be the case. My follies were about 16mm and my E2 more than doubled in just 2 days. I hope it doesn't get too high because we don't know what my body can and can't handle and my body may give up and shut down if it can't handle it. I go in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and more bloodwork.

E2. Crap.

My E2 is 955. I feel like it may be climbing too high, too quickly. I go back on Thursday for monitoring. I have a feeling she may be worrying becuase there is really no reason for me to go in on Thursday when my ER shouldn't be til Monday or Tuesday. It's just another unnecessary middle cycle day check up to me. If my follies were only 9-10mm then they'll only be maybe 14mm by Thursday and that is still way too small to trigger. God, I reallllllly hope my body is doing the right thing this time.

I used to be excited to take my injections with the previous cycles. It was the time I actually had control over my cycle and making my follicles grow. Now I dread taking them. They are so painful. The Menopur stings so badly and takes forever to mix up. Ugh, let this be over please and give me my healthy baby! More and more lately I've been seeing pages and blogs for children with cancer/disabilities. It's truly heartbreaking. I come across them and I choke back tears at my desk. One little 3 year old girl was just given 1-3 months to live. I can't. I just can't. It's so scary to imagine going through all of this to get our baby only to be told something so devastating. I don't know what's worse. Not getting the baby we are longing for or getting them only to have them taken away. When I read these children's stories, I wonder if I should rethink the whole process. I don't know if I am strong enough. Life can be so cruel sometimes. It's not fair that things such as cancer can rob an innocent child of their beautiful life. Not fair.

Update

Went in on Saturday for ultrasound and bloodwork. I was a little disappointed. We still only have about 9 follicles. I don't know why but I was expecting a miracle from the Royal Jelly and CoQ10. I thought I'd get lucky and over a dozen would pop up- HA! Oh well. Let's hope my GOLDEN EGG is in this bunch.

Gia has been giving me my lupron injections. She says she is my Dr and she wants to help the baby get in my belly. I really hope she's right and she is helping our little miracle come to life. Atleast this is an easier way of explaining how babys get in their mommy's belly, haha!

This weekend Gia, Joe, and I did a 5K for the March of Dimes. Joe almost won the race! Gia did great running in the beginning. And she ran the kids race. I carried her for about the last mile. I was dying!

Oh, and I "liked" Resolve: The National Infertility Association on Facebook. I wonder if anyone noticed...

I go in for monitoring again tomorrow.

Steak...

I'm hearing steak and protein are good to eat while stimming. I'm desperate. So I ate sliced steak last night. I haven't eaten steak in years x's years x's years. It seems a little rediculous that I did that but I just want better results and I will do anything for it.

I am on my 4th day of stims. I was supposed to go in this morning for monitoring but I called yesterday to see if I can come in on Saturday instead. It just seemed incredibly silly to have an u/s after only 3 nights of stims. In the past, my ovaries haven't shown grown since about 5-6 days into stimming. I feel terrible complaining about it, because I know so many women that pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for what I am doing. But these co-pays are killing me! What a pain in the ass. The copay is $40 but since the clinic is located inside of a hospital, I have to pay a copay for the hospital too. That's $80 every time I go. I feel like as soon as I catch up and pay the last cycle, I have to start another cycle. I can't get ahead. A new bill comes every day almost. Can this please be my last cycle???

Gia, Joe, and I are running (walking) in a March of Dimes 5K on Sunday. It's important to me because it's for the March of Dimes. It's supposed to rain all weekend but I hope they are wrong! We have a busy weekend. Joe is off all weekend and we have an action packed weekend to take full advantage of him being home and having family time.

IVF #3 Stim Day 1

Okay so I figure I should keep track of this cycle (incase I need to compare it to future ones)

9/4/12 Start BCP
9/19/12 Last BCP
9/23/12 Baseline u/s & bw- start microdose lupron 5units AM & PM
9/24/12 AF
9/25/12 bw - start stims-225 Follistim + 225 Menopur (continue lupron am&pm) start dexamethasone AF
9/29/12 u/s & bw- about 9 follicles. E2 @324
10/2/12 u/s & bw- about 9 follicles 9-10mm. E2 @955
10/4/12 u/s & bw- follies about 16mm. E2 @2235
10/5/12 u/s & bw- follies about 18mm. E2 @1946 (WHAT?!?) Booster...225 Follistim & 225 Menopur
              TRIGGER 11:15pm 5000 HCG
10/6/12 bw- E2 @3674 (THANK YOU, GOD) HCG 239
10/7/12 RETRIEVAL 12 eggs retrieved
10/8/12

I'm...So.....Scared....

Okay. Erase every positive thought I had last week and replace it with SCARED SHITLESS! I am so so so so so so SO scared. Get the idea? Yeah...
I am worrying that this protocol is not right for me. I am reading that too much menopur compromises egg quality. My head is spinning and I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I cannot wait until my refridgerator door is filled with baby bottles and not vials and boxes of stims....

Nerves...

So, I am starting to get nervous. But actually it is a good nervous. I am nervous because I am feeling really confident about this 3rd IVF cycle and you know what that means....a pregnancy! I just feel like all I know is TTC and once I am pregnant I am scared about how I will feel. I am absolutely certain I will have BFP guilt. I can feel it already. I can feel it when I think about seeing my BFP for the first time. Sigh.... We are never satisfied, huh? I know I will never forget my journey and I will constantly think about all the women struggling every day still. Some of them being my dear friends that this journey has brought us together. Sometimes I close my eyes and I try to imagine what my reaction will be like when I get my BFP. I often think that feeling won't ever become a reality. I hope to God that it does. And I hate to be greedy at a time like this but I hope I can experience that feeling more than once. I dream about my family all the time.

I got the IVF #3 blues

I was at a friends bbq on Labor Day. There were 2 infants there. One 3 months and one 1 month. I would have been fine except my friend kept looking at me with a sad puppy dog face like she felt bad for me. I am fine!!! I want MY baby. NOT someone else's baby. Other babies don't make me sad because they are not MINE.
Yesterday at work an inmate was having a siezure and Joe had to perform CPR. He told me that he knows our IVF is going to work this time. He says because he saved a life so God is going to give us a life. I wish it worked that way... My heart gets heavy when he tells me things like this because it tells me that he thinks about this a lot. It is hurting him just as much as it's hurting me. I see the way Gia looks at other babies and her eyes light up when there is a baby on the TV. She asks me for a baby brother or sister all the time. I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest and beaten. My heart hurts. Every single day.
I am terrified of what is next. I know I should be focusing on being positive for this cycle but I can't help but think about the "what if's". What if it doesn't work? Are we going to keep doing this? Are we going to use donor eggs? Are we going to give up? How many years will pass us by without having a baby? Is Gia going to go into high school with out having a sibling yet? Will I become AMA while still TTC? Then after all of those fears I have more fears. What if we finally get our baby only to find out our baby is not healthy? I am seeing more and more of these stories and it is so scary. I start to think...maybe there is a reason why God hasn't blessed us with our baby yet. He doesn't want to put our hearts through the pain of having a sick child. I don't know. Nobody know. Only God.

Longest.....Cycle.....EVER

Welp, I finally got to say goodbye to my longest cycle ever. 37 DAYS! I have no idea when I ovulated so I don't know if I ovulated late or what. Whatever. It's over and done with. And I feel even more stupid for it actually crossing my mind a few times...the "am I pregnant" thing. Dummy. No, you are NOT pregnant. So silly for me to even think I would be.

3rd times the charm, right? Well I keep hearing it so I am going to start believing it. I will start my birth control pills tonight (even though I am not supposed to start until CD3 shhh...I've waited long enough) and take them for 16 more days (considering cheating and taking them for 15. Hmm....).

Today was Gia's first day of 1st grade at her new school. She was very excited. I can't wait to hear how her day was. It's hard to believe last year for her 1st day of kindergarten I was pregnant. I can't believe it was a year ago that I was so happy to be pregnant only for it to be taken away from me so soon after.

Still Stimming....

11 days of stimming down..... ? to go.... This is taking FOREVER this time. Hopefully good things come to those who wait. My lead follicle is only 13.5mm. ER should be at the earliest- Saturday. I am now on cetrotide in the AM and 150iu of Menopur and 300iu of Follistim. Plus my dexamethasone. Um, wake up ovaries!

Painting the Family Room

So a little something non-IVF related first. Before and After pictures of our living room painted. I love the darker color SO much better. Now we just have to add some crown molding and we'll be set. The crown molding will hopefully cover all of the paint I got on the ceiling....OPPS!

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Ehh the after pictures look dark. Different time of day I suppose but I assure you it looks MUCH better now. Not like a baby boys room.

Bring on IVF #2!!!

FINALLY, I took my last birth control pill last night. (Shhh....I only took 1/2 of it. Well more like 3/4. I want my period to start!!) Hopefully now I don't have to wait long for my period to start. I go in on Friday morning for a baseline and bloodwork. Hopefully starting stims that night. I also have an acupuncture appointment on Saturday morning. My meds were delivered yesterday and holy moly there is A LOT. Much more then last time. My meds are currently occupying the entire bottom shelf of our refridgerator. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the 2nd time be the charm!

Proven Otherwise

Well I was pregnant until proven otherwise and yesterday I was proven otherwise. My line seemed lighter yesterday and I just knew it in my heart. I am at peace with this cycle. I want it to be over so I can start fresh. My level yesterday was 11 and as I am obviously devastated, I am so relieved that I don't have to face another ectopic pregnancy. So it seems as though this road to baby has a few more twists and turns up ahead for us.

Limbo Land- confirmed.

Well it is confirmed that I will be staying in limbo land for a bit longer. Yesterday was my beta and it came back at 21.5. Pregnant, but not very pregnant. I am praying for my baby. I cannot believe we made it this far and now this. I fear that Baby is not okay. I fear that Baby is in my tube. I fear that Baby will not make it to us. My estrogen level was only 21. It was 700 at my CD21 bloodwork. They have me on estrace 2x/day now. I hope this helps Baby grow strong. I don't know what to think right now. I asked what the low estrogen could mean. They told me I may have poor egg quality. I don't know what that means for this Baby or for any future babies but I don't like the sound of it.

Dear Baby,

Dear Baby,
I want you to know that Mommy, Daddy, & Big Sister are all praying that you are healthy and strong. We want to meet you more then anything in this world. We want to see your beautiful face and give you kisses. Please stay with us Baby. We love you.
Love,
Mommy

Limbo land

Tomorrow is my beta. . .
I am nervous! I tested out my trigger which slowly got lighter and then yesterday it appeared to be darker. I tested again this morning and it's still the same light line. I spotted 1x yesterday and 1x already today. I am so nervous my beta is going to be too low. I am nervous about another ectopic or a chemical pregnancy. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

The bottom test in this picture was taken on 5/22. The day of my ET before I went in. That was my guideline for my trigger. I tested the next 2 days 5/23 & 5/24 to see how long it was taking for the trigger to leave my system. The 27th I was really bummed because I was 5 days past transfer and that is when BFP's usually show up with 5 day transfers. I didn't test on the 28th because I was so scared. Then on the 29th it seems as though the line was a bit darker. I don't know what to think.  

This is yesterdays (7dp5dt) vs todays (8dp5dt)

PUPO!!

I am officially PUPO! Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! Yesterday we transferred 2 5 day blasts. I was a little disappointed with their grades but they still looked absolutely perfect to me on the moniter. They were 4cb & 3cb. No frosties :( Hopefully we won't need them though. 5/31/2012 is the moment of truth. I've been testing out the trigger. Hopefully I will know before that! hehe

WE HAVE 5 EMBIES!!!

*****5!!!!!!*****

Oh my goodness gracious I am so happy! I got the call with the fertilization report. Out of 8 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized. Joe and I have 5 little itty bitty babies right now! GAHHH! I am scheduled for a 5dt on Tuesday unless they call me sooner for a 3dt. I won't be updated on their progress though. I am disappointed with that.

Makin Babies! (hopefully)

ER went well! This is a picture Joe took of me yesterday before I went in.

It's so weird what anesthesia can do! I don't remember a thing after they brought me into the OR. crazy! Anyways Dr. came in to recovery to tell me they got "8". I wonder if that means 8 eggs or 8 follicles. I am not sure but I will get the fertilization report later today. I can't wait. I am nervous and excited. Hopefully it's good news.
Anyways, this is how I feel right now...

I can't wait for Tuesday to have my babies in me :-)

EGG-cited!!!

We are leaving soon for my egg retrieval. Nervous but more excited! Did my fashionista husband just come to me and ask me which shirt I think he should wear??? Yes he did. We are going to be in a hospital and he will be waiting in the waiting room! Anddd he just went upstairs and asked Gia which one he should wear. He's unbelievable! Haha.
I hope every single one of my eggs are mature and ready to meet their other half. I hope they fertilize like rock stars in those petri dishes! Go eggies! Go spermies! Let's make some babies!!!

Trigger!!!

Triggered last night with 10,000units of HCG! Hurt like HELL! I don't know how I am going to do the PIO injections for 2 (hopefully +) weeks.  After the bad news last Thursday, I went in for an u/s and blood work on Sunday (Mother's Day!) and the She Dr. told me that I still have a very good chance of getting pregnant this cycle and I've come this far, not to turn back. She said as long as my esrtogen gets over 1,000 then I should have no problem. She said that she's seen many women my age and this is all the follicles they produce. So basically it'd suck if I cancelled the cycle, went on a more agressive protocol and still only produced 4 follicles. I am confident that my few follicles will be great quality ones. I spoke to He Dr. yesterday, I don't like talking to him, he makes me feel so blah about my decision to keep going. I asked him if he thought I had a good shot and he said "Yes, but I also think you can do better". Whatever. My follicles and Joe's sperm will show him who's boss! Oh, and my E2 level went from 46, 232, 700, to 1274. I will find out later today what it is today.

How beautiful is this picture??? This is something that seems so simple yet is has been IMPOSSIBLE to get for months and months. And just like that....2 lines. Why does this beautifullness have to be so difficult to achieve? Too bad it's just the trigger. What a tease. First thing I wanted to do was scream and jump and smile and hug the precious little tiny stick then I wanted to rip it up and stomp on it for being fake. How can something so small (itty bitty wondfo) be such a BIG deal.

Bad News

Well I don't think I can take much more bad news at this point. Yesterday I went in for an u/s and bloodwork. Dr said my lining looked great and he counted about 5 or 6 follicles. I asked him if that was good and he said yes. All they need is 6. Well I was waiting to get my message from the nurse on my voice mailbox but instead I had a voicemail on my cell phone from the Dr himself. I knew right away something was wrong. He wanted to cancel my cycle. He doesn't think my ovaries produced follicles to their fullest potential. He says I am young and I should've had much more. He tried talking me into canceling it but I just wouldn't give in. He told me to increase my Follistim dose from 150 to 225 units and come back on Sunday. I called today to ask the nurse if I should order more stims and she was looking at my notes and it seems as though I only have 2 dominate follicles. So all of that pinching, poking, and pricking was for nothing. They will probably convert my cycle to IUI if not cancel it all together. Happy Mother's Day to me, right?

Stims!

I am happy to report that Follistim is going well! Friday was my first night. Saturday night I had my friends bridal shower. I had to leave an hour early so that I could get home to take my injection. I was bummed about that because I had no good excuse to tell the bride to be why I was leaving early. That night Joe got a phone call to go in for overtime so he wasn't going to be home in the morning to give me my Lupron injection. I was so nervous that I had to do it myself. I was so proud of myself afterwards! I even did it again this morning just because I could. Today's Joe's day off so I let him sleep in a little and did my own injection. I am getting pretty good at this! Today on my lunch walk my ovaries felt heavy. That means these stims are doing their job =) The Follistim came in an awesome little pouch....

Check out the bruising from the Follistim pen...



Ready, Set, GO!

I went in for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork on Wednesday. My period hadn't started YET. I say YET like that because it started right after my ultrasound. I was told I should be starting my stims that night. But I had to wait for my message with directions is my voice mailbox. Finally I got the message.  I have a small cyst (11.8mm) that they didn't seem too too concerned about (but I was freaking out about). I was told I could start my stims on Friday (today!). I was definately bummed I had to wait 2 more days though. Well tonight is the night no matter what! Now I (im)patiently wait for my follies to grow grow grow!

I ran into RiteAid on the way to work this morning to pick up a box of tampons. Tampax was buy 1 get 1 50% off. I almost grabbed 2 boxes. Then I realized....hopefully I won't be needing another box! Let's hope so!!!

Accu-PUNCH-her

Oh my goodness I cannot believe I didn't write about my horrible accumpuncture story last week. Maybe I was trying to pretend it didn't happen...
So I drove an hour away from work (an hour in the opposite direction of home) to see an accupuncturist that didn't even accept my insurance. But I knew that before hand. My experience was the complete opposite of what I hoped for and expected. She asked what my husbands profession was and when I told her a Corrections Officer she asked if I thought maybe he took Steriods. Was she accusing my husband of doing something illegal? Just assuming because of his profession? Implying that that may be the reason we are not pregnant? I couldn't believe it. Then she told me I look so young and she wondered if I had even been trying that long. All of this was none of her business. Anyways, trying to move past that experience so I'll just leave it at that. Oh, and no, I didn't punch her! But I should've!

Go Figure. . .

Go figure . . . Every month I pray that AF doesn't show up. Now, more then ever, all I want is for AF to come and she is nowhere in sight. I have been on Lupron for 11 days. Tomorrow is Day 12 and I go in for my baseline blood work and ultrasound. Hopefully not having AF yet doesn't delay anything and I can start my stims tomorrow night! I will update after tomorrow's appointment.

Tuesday. . .

It's kind of funny how Joe wakes me up every morning at 6am to give me my injection. He says "wake up, it's time to make a baby".  Sounds like something I was usually saying around O time when I finally would get a positive OPK.

A friend of mine on BBC posted this link for me today...
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/

I like reason #719 for today. I crossed out the few that didn't pertain to myself.

#719 You are More than your Infertility

You are more than your infertility.
You are a wife, a partner, a friend, a lover.
You are a daughter, sister, an aunt, a cousin.
You are a worker, a fur mommy, a smiler, a laugher.
You are a timed intercourse lover, a basal temperature checker, a pregnancy bump spy.
You are a toilet paper inspector, a Doctor Google searcher, an ovulation charter.
You are a pregnancy strip tester, a PCOS hair plucker, a low-sperm count partner.
You are a fake pregnancy symptomer, a Clomid side effector, a Facebook pregnancy spy.
You are a crier in public places, a hormonal fertility needle injector, a fertility drug addict.
You are hoper, a believer, a person who won’t give up-er.
You are a strong woman.
Infertility does not define you.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Day 1 & 2 = Success!

I started 10iui Lupron yesterday. I was so nervous for nothing! I iced the area to numb it.  Joe counted down while I turned my head away.  He did it off count so I wouldn't realize. Well he got to one and I asked him why he didn't do it yet (I thought he chickened out!) and he told me he did do it! Really? And I didn't even feel it. Cool. So far no side effects. I have been really tired but I blame that 100% on painting the living room all day.

Yesterday I took Gia to a birthday party.  I guess I am very unapproachable. Only 1 mother came to talk to me (of course she was pregnant). I think I am not taken seriously because I am young and actually look so much younger then I am.  I look more like Gia's big sister.  And I don't have any other children. All the moms have 3+ kiddos and are 32+. I know I will be taken more seriously as a mother once I have my second little one.  I can't wait :)

Stupid Stupid Shirts

I went to Kohl's yesterday to return a pair of pants for Gia.  They always have those shirts that say "Big Sister" and "Will trade brother for icecream". I haven't been really bothered lately by seeing babies or baby things or even pregnant woman the way I was just a few months ago.  But for some reason when I saw these shirts I got so angry.  I wanted to take my arm and swipe it across the shelf and throw them all on the floor and step on them. Yes, I was very angry. I feel like I have been waiting forever to get Gia a big sister shirt.  Then I realized they only had them up to size 6X I think. You don't normally see bigger kids wearing these shirts.  It hit me that my big baby and my little baby will be so far apart in age.  Gia wants to be a big sister so badly.  That is all she ever talks about.  When there is a baby on TV she stops and stares at the baby with such admiration.  I want to make her a big sister.  And I know she will be one day.  She just has so much interest right NOW. I am scared by the time I do get pregnant and have the baby that she will be much more into "big girl" things and playing with her friends.  I hope one day she can help push her baby brother or sister in the stroller instead of pushing Rosie (our dog) in the stroller...
Here are some pictures of Gia and her "little sister" as she calls her...

Honeyversary!

I didn't get to post about our Honeyversary we went on this past weekend.  We went to the Poconos for a romantic getaway since our 1 year anniversary landed on Easter this year.  We had a lot of fun and the room was very romantic.
Here's a picture when we drove up

And our room key

And us in our mirror above our bed :)

Scared But Excited

Last night we had our injection training class.  I guess it is pretty much what I expected.  There were about 6 or 7 couples.  The lady went over the entire IVF process which I knew mostly about already from being impatient and curious and finding the information out on the internet.  I felt kind of special because I think I was the closest to starting in the class.  And I couldn't help but grin at the fact that when she was going over the medicine's she pointed out how lucky the ones that have Follistim are.  It is so much easier to use then the mixing that the other medicines require.  She said you have to have really good insurance to be able to get the Follistim.  And that we do!  Again, I can't always help but think how amazing it is.  Things like this don't normally happen to me.  I always have a bill.  And a big one.  But not this time.  It's kind of silly but I saw it as a sign to go ahead with the IVF.  It's almost like an open door for us.  I never planned it to be this way.  Never in a million years did I ever think I was going to have to do IVF.  I am a firm believer that you cannot force something that isn't meant to be.  I don't think this is really forcing. I am probably just being naive though.  I wish I was like everyone else I know and just able to love their husband and be able to have a baby the way you're supposed to.  I think about that all the time.  That my baby is going to be "put together" by some doctor and not fate or God.  But I have to stop myself from thinking that because fate and God are still playing a big role in what we are doing.  No matter how our baby in conceived they will be from God.  And very loved. 

My Fertility Bracelet

So a friend of mine on BBC suggested we both get ourselves fertility bracelets.  It may seem kind of silly but I am so glad we did.  We both ordered the same ones.  I feel comfort knowing that we are both wearing ours.  Each crystal and stone on the bracelet is meant to enhance your fertility. There is a turtle charm on it and the turtle is symbolic of both protection and fertility.  I feel silly thinking this bracelet really means something but I really believe it does.  And it's totally cute too!  It's funny how you make friends on these forums.  You feel like you're the only infertile person in the world until you start connecting with these women.  I feel good today! And Joe and I have our injection training class tonight! So.Excited.

Keeping my fingers to myself

I just went to the restroom and got this overwhelming feel of relief.  I don't have to check my cervix anymore...ever. I don't think anyone in the world should have to ever do such a thing.  Today I make a promise to myself....I solemnly swear to never ever check my cervical position or my cervical mucus ever again. And that's a pinky promise! Cross my heart and hope to die stick a needle in my eye!

My Meds are here!

I got welcomed home to my boxES of meds yesterday! I must say it was a pretty good Friday the 13th. All the boxes were certainly overwhelming at first

Then I opened everything and realized they were just packed extra safely.  This is everything...minus my 2 week Lupron kit which they didn't have in stock so I have to pick it up at the pharmacy on Tuesday.

These needles can't possibly be ALL for me, can they???? Eekkk...





Enough with the damn needles!!

I am really happy with my new dentist.  It was kind of like getting my hair done.  You know how your hair dresser talks to you about your personal life? My dentist was doing that. It was kind of hard to talk to him with tools in my mouth though. I enjoyed that he asked me "Are you doing ok?" but then he was literally asking me that every 30 seconds.  I am not lying. I counted.  2x in 30 seconds.  I started to get aggrevated.  I seriously thought about biting his finger.

Anyways, I am a horrible patient at the dentist.  I always have been too.  I imagine myself being 50 years old and still fighting back tears as I sit in the chair.  It was nice that he was talking to me so much because it distracted me from when he gave me the novacaine injection. He left the room for a while and when the numbness hit me it hit me hard.  All over.  I felt tears roll down my cheek and I had to quickly get myself back together. I started thinking about that needle and that's what did it for me.  I am so sick of needles.  I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.  When I went through the ectopic pregnancy I swear I was a pin cushion.  I got my blood taken every other day for a month straight.  Monitoring the numbers going up and then monitoring them going down. Not to mention my arm looked like I was a drug addict. 

Joe and I were lying in bed this morning playfully arguing over who is going to do my injections.  I fear I won't be able to do it.  I pray I have the strength not to mess this up.  I have to turn my face even when Gia gets a shot.  How am I going to do this to myself?  We thought about who we are close enough to ask help us but there is really no one.  I don't mind though.  I really want us to go through this together- alone.

Dentist!

I am going to the dentist today and I have never been so excited.  My teeth are horrible.  It's not my fault though.  It's hereditary! I have an appointment today and one tomorrow. I am getting all of my work done before I start my meds in 1.5 weeks! I don't want anything to get in the way of our BFP!

Background Check.

For those of you who wish to follow my journey, this is a little background check...

I had my daughter, Gia, just before I turned 22.  Gia...Gia is my everything.  I smiled just as I typed her name.  She is my mini-me.  I had a whole image in my head that me and Gia would be like the Gilmore Girls.  Just me and her. Forever. Then I met Joe when she was 2 years old.  Joe was, and still is, my knight in shining armour.  He swept us both off of our feet.  Again, I am smiling just thinking about him.  Joe wanted to have kids of his own pretty much right away.  He was on a mission to do this already while we were on our honeymoon.  I however, was satisfied with my happy little family the way it was.  I felt as though I love Gia so much that I didn't have enough love for another child.  I thought she would always be my "favorite" and that would never be fair to another child. I never knew anything about my cycle and when is the "time" to conceive.  Well when we got back from our honeymoon I plugged in my previous menstrual date into an ovualtion calculator I had googled and I was shocked at what it said.  My "fertile days" were every single day of our honeymoon.  I prepared myself for a baby and I very quickly got way too excited.  Well that thought was crushed when I got my period soon after.  I totally didn't stress at first but as month after month passed, I did stress.  I started thinking What if we can't have a baby?? That's when the craziness started.  The googling, the temping, the charting, the supplements, the vitamins, and checking the CP and CM. Long story short... we conceived in August 2011 only to find out weeks later the baby was growing in my right tube.  I was treated with methotrexate and began trying again right after my HCG level returned to zero.  Again, month after month passed.  In March we saw an RE in New Jersey and he recommended going straight for IVF.  He wanted to bypass my tubes all together just incase there was any tubal damage.  THANK GOD, and I do thank Him everyday, that Joe has amazing insurance that is allowing us to have this opportunity at no cost. Well, no money cost.  There is a huge cost.  My physical health, my mental health, my emotional health. But the reward is worth the cost.  So I invite you on my journey...a road to baby.  This is really just a way for me to document my experience and keep a journal.  I am not a good writer so don't expect good grammer and fancy words.