I'm hearing steak and protein are good to eat while stimming. I'm desperate. So I ate sliced steak last night. I haven't eaten steak in years x's years x's years. It seems a little rediculous that I did that but I just want better results and I will do anything for it.
I am on my 4th day of stims. I was supposed to go in this morning for monitoring but I called yesterday to see if I can come in on Saturday instead. It just seemed incredibly silly to have an u/s after only 3 nights of stims. In the past, my ovaries haven't shown grown since about 5-6 days into stimming. I feel terrible complaining about it, because I know so many women that pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for what I am doing. But these co-pays are killing me! What a pain in the ass. The copay is $40 but since the clinic is located inside of a hospital, I have to pay a copay for the hospital too. That's $80 every time I go. I feel like as soon as I catch up and pay the last cycle, I have to start another cycle. I can't get ahead. A new bill comes every day almost. Can this please be my last cycle???
Gia, Joe, and I are running (walking) in a March of Dimes 5K on Sunday. It's important to me because it's for the March of Dimes. It's supposed to rain all weekend but I hope they are wrong! We have a busy weekend. Joe is off all weekend and we have an action packed weekend to take full advantage of him being home and having family time.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
IVF #3 Stim Day 1
Okay so I figure I should keep track of this cycle (incase I need to compare it to future ones)
9/4/12 Start BCP
9/19/12 Last BCP
9/23/12 Baseline u/s & bw- start microdose lupron 5units AM & PM
9/24/12 AF
9/25/12 bw - start stims-225 Follistim + 225 Menopur (continue lupron am&pm) start dexamethasone AF
9/29/12 u/s & bw- about 9 follicles. E2 @324
10/2/12 u/s & bw- about 9 follicles 9-10mm. E2 @955
10/4/12 u/s & bw- follies about 16mm. E2 @2235
10/5/12 u/s & bw- follies about 18mm. E2 @1946 (WHAT?!?) Booster...225 Follistim & 225 Menopur
TRIGGER 11:15pm 5000 HCG
10/6/12 bw- E2 @3674 (THANK YOU, GOD) HCG 239
10/7/12 RETRIEVAL 12 eggs retrieved
10/8/12
9/4/12 Start BCP
9/19/12 Last BCP
9/23/12 Baseline u/s & bw- start microdose lupron 5units AM & PM
9/24/12 AF
9/25/12 bw - start stims-225 Follistim + 225 Menopur (continue lupron am&pm) start dexamethasone AF
9/29/12 u/s & bw- about 9 follicles. E2 @324
10/2/12 u/s & bw- about 9 follicles 9-10mm. E2 @955
10/4/12 u/s & bw- follies about 16mm. E2 @2235
10/5/12 u/s & bw- follies about 18mm. E2 @1946 (WHAT?!?) Booster...225 Follistim & 225 Menopur
TRIGGER 11:15pm 5000 HCG
10/6/12 bw- E2 @3674 (THANK YOU, GOD) HCG 239
10/7/12 RETRIEVAL 12 eggs retrieved
10/8/12
Monday, September 17, 2012
I'm...So.....Scared....
Okay. Erase every positive thought I had last week and replace it with SCARED SHITLESS! I am so so so so so so SO scared. Get the idea? Yeah...
I am worrying that this protocol is not right for me. I am reading that too much menopur compromises egg quality. My head is spinning and I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I cannot wait until my refridgerator door is filled with baby bottles and not vials and boxes of stims....
I am worrying that this protocol is not right for me. I am reading that too much menopur compromises egg quality. My head is spinning and I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I cannot wait until my refridgerator door is filled with baby bottles and not vials and boxes of stims....
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Nerves...
So, I am starting to get nervous. But actually it is a good nervous. I am nervous because I am feeling really confident about this 3rd IVF cycle and you know what that means....a pregnancy! I just feel like all I know is TTC and once I am pregnant I am scared about how I will feel. I am absolutely certain I will have BFP guilt. I can feel it already. I can feel it when I think about seeing my BFP for the first time. Sigh.... We are never satisfied, huh? I know I will never forget my journey and I will constantly think about all the women struggling every day still. Some of them being my dear friends that this journey has brought us together. Sometimes I close my eyes and I try to imagine what my reaction will be like when I get my BFP. I often think that feeling won't ever become a reality. I hope to God that it does. And I hate to be greedy at a time like this but I hope I can experience that feeling more than once. I dream about my family all the time.
Friday, September 7, 2012
I got the IVF #3 blues
I was at a friends bbq on Labor Day. There were 2 infants there. One 3 months and one 1 month. I would have been fine except my friend kept looking at me with a sad puppy dog face like she felt bad for me. I am fine!!! I want MY baby. NOT someone else's baby. Other babies don't make me sad because they are not MINE.
Yesterday at work an inmate was having a siezure and Joe had to perform CPR. He told me that he knows our IVF is going to work this time. He says because he saved a life so God is going to give us a life. I wish it worked that way... My heart gets heavy when he tells me things like this because it tells me that he thinks about this a lot. It is hurting him just as much as it's hurting me. I see the way Gia looks at other babies and her eyes light up when there is a baby on the TV. She asks me for a baby brother or sister all the time. I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest and beaten. My heart hurts. Every single day.
I am terrified of what is next. I know I should be focusing on being positive for this cycle but I can't help but think about the "what if's". What if it doesn't work? Are we going to keep doing this? Are we going to use donor eggs? Are we going to give up? How many years will pass us by without having a baby? Is Gia going to go into high school with out having a sibling yet? Will I become AMA while still TTC? Then after all of those fears I have more fears. What if we finally get our baby only to find out our baby is not healthy? I am seeing more and more of these stories and it is so scary. I start to think...maybe there is a reason why God hasn't blessed us with our baby yet. He doesn't want to put our hearts through the pain of having a sick child. I don't know. Nobody know. Only God.
Yesterday at work an inmate was having a siezure and Joe had to perform CPR. He told me that he knows our IVF is going to work this time. He says because he saved a life so God is going to give us a life. I wish it worked that way... My heart gets heavy when he tells me things like this because it tells me that he thinks about this a lot. It is hurting him just as much as it's hurting me. I see the way Gia looks at other babies and her eyes light up when there is a baby on the TV. She asks me for a baby brother or sister all the time. I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest and beaten. My heart hurts. Every single day.
I am terrified of what is next. I know I should be focusing on being positive for this cycle but I can't help but think about the "what if's". What if it doesn't work? Are we going to keep doing this? Are we going to use donor eggs? Are we going to give up? How many years will pass us by without having a baby? Is Gia going to go into high school with out having a sibling yet? Will I become AMA while still TTC? Then after all of those fears I have more fears. What if we finally get our baby only to find out our baby is not healthy? I am seeing more and more of these stories and it is so scary. I start to think...maybe there is a reason why God hasn't blessed us with our baby yet. He doesn't want to put our hearts through the pain of having a sick child. I don't know. Nobody know. Only God.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Longest.....Cycle.....EVER
Welp, I finally got to say goodbye to my longest cycle ever. 37 DAYS! I have no idea when I ovulated so I don't know if I ovulated late or what. Whatever. It's over and done with. And I feel even more stupid for it actually crossing my mind a few times...the "am I pregnant" thing. Dummy. No, you are NOT pregnant. So silly for me to even think I would be.
3rd times the charm, right? Well I keep hearing it so I am going to start believing it. I will start my birth control pills tonight (even though I am not supposed to start until CD3 shhh...I've waited long enough) and take them for 16 more days (considering cheating and taking them for 15. Hmm....).
Today was Gia's first day of 1st grade at her new school. She was very excited. I can't wait to hear how her day was. It's hard to believe last year for her 1st day of kindergarten I was pregnant. I can't believe it was a year ago that I was so happy to be pregnant only for it to be taken away from me so soon after.
3rd times the charm, right? Well I keep hearing it so I am going to start believing it. I will start my birth control pills tonight (even though I am not supposed to start until CD3 shhh...I've waited long enough) and take them for 16 more days (considering cheating and taking them for 15. Hmm....).
Today was Gia's first day of 1st grade at her new school. She was very excited. I can't wait to hear how her day was. It's hard to believe last year for her 1st day of kindergarten I was pregnant. I can't believe it was a year ago that I was so happy to be pregnant only for it to be taken away from me so soon after.
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