Tuesday. . .

It's kind of funny how Joe wakes me up every morning at 6am to give me my injection. He says "wake up, it's time to make a baby".  Sounds like something I was usually saying around O time when I finally would get a positive OPK.

A friend of mine on BBC posted this link for me today...
http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/

I like reason #719 for today. I crossed out the few that didn't pertain to myself.

#719 You are More than your Infertility

You are more than your infertility.
You are a wife, a partner, a friend, a lover.
You are a daughter, sister, an aunt, a cousin.
You are a worker, a fur mommy, a smiler, a laugher.
You are a timed intercourse lover, a basal temperature checker, a pregnancy bump spy.
You are a toilet paper inspector, a Doctor Google searcher, an ovulation charter.
You are a pregnancy strip tester, a PCOS hair plucker, a low-sperm count partner.
You are a fake pregnancy symptomer, a Clomid side effector, a Facebook pregnancy spy.
You are a crier in public places, a hormonal fertility needle injector, a fertility drug addict.
You are hoper, a believer, a person who won’t give up-er.
You are a strong woman.
Infertility does not define you.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Day 1 & 2 = Success!

I started 10iui Lupron yesterday. I was so nervous for nothing! I iced the area to numb it.  Joe counted down while I turned my head away.  He did it off count so I wouldn't realize. Well he got to one and I asked him why he didn't do it yet (I thought he chickened out!) and he told me he did do it! Really? And I didn't even feel it. Cool. So far no side effects. I have been really tired but I blame that 100% on painting the living room all day.

Yesterday I took Gia to a birthday party.  I guess I am very unapproachable. Only 1 mother came to talk to me (of course she was pregnant). I think I am not taken seriously because I am young and actually look so much younger then I am.  I look more like Gia's big sister.  And I don't have any other children. All the moms have 3+ kiddos and are 32+. I know I will be taken more seriously as a mother once I have my second little one.  I can't wait :)

Stupid Stupid Shirts

I went to Kohl's yesterday to return a pair of pants for Gia.  They always have those shirts that say "Big Sister" and "Will trade brother for icecream". I haven't been really bothered lately by seeing babies or baby things or even pregnant woman the way I was just a few months ago.  But for some reason when I saw these shirts I got so angry.  I wanted to take my arm and swipe it across the shelf and throw them all on the floor and step on them. Yes, I was very angry. I feel like I have been waiting forever to get Gia a big sister shirt.  Then I realized they only had them up to size 6X I think. You don't normally see bigger kids wearing these shirts.  It hit me that my big baby and my little baby will be so far apart in age.  Gia wants to be a big sister so badly.  That is all she ever talks about.  When there is a baby on TV she stops and stares at the baby with such admiration.  I want to make her a big sister.  And I know she will be one day.  She just has so much interest right NOW. I am scared by the time I do get pregnant and have the baby that she will be much more into "big girl" things and playing with her friends.  I hope one day she can help push her baby brother or sister in the stroller instead of pushing Rosie (our dog) in the stroller...
Here are some pictures of Gia and her "little sister" as she calls her...

Honeyversary!

I didn't get to post about our Honeyversary we went on this past weekend.  We went to the Poconos for a romantic getaway since our 1 year anniversary landed on Easter this year.  We had a lot of fun and the room was very romantic.
Here's a picture when we drove up

And our room key

And us in our mirror above our bed :)

Scared But Excited

Last night we had our injection training class.  I guess it is pretty much what I expected.  There were about 6 or 7 couples.  The lady went over the entire IVF process which I knew mostly about already from being impatient and curious and finding the information out on the internet.  I felt kind of special because I think I was the closest to starting in the class.  And I couldn't help but grin at the fact that when she was going over the medicine's she pointed out how lucky the ones that have Follistim are.  It is so much easier to use then the mixing that the other medicines require.  She said you have to have really good insurance to be able to get the Follistim.  And that we do!  Again, I can't always help but think how amazing it is.  Things like this don't normally happen to me.  I always have a bill.  And a big one.  But not this time.  It's kind of silly but I saw it as a sign to go ahead with the IVF.  It's almost like an open door for us.  I never planned it to be this way.  Never in a million years did I ever think I was going to have to do IVF.  I am a firm believer that you cannot force something that isn't meant to be.  I don't think this is really forcing. I am probably just being naive though.  I wish I was like everyone else I know and just able to love their husband and be able to have a baby the way you're supposed to.  I think about that all the time.  That my baby is going to be "put together" by some doctor and not fate or God.  But I have to stop myself from thinking that because fate and God are still playing a big role in what we are doing.  No matter how our baby in conceived they will be from God.  And very loved. 

My Fertility Bracelet

So a friend of mine on BBC suggested we both get ourselves fertility bracelets.  It may seem kind of silly but I am so glad we did.  We both ordered the same ones.  I feel comfort knowing that we are both wearing ours.  Each crystal and stone on the bracelet is meant to enhance your fertility. There is a turtle charm on it and the turtle is symbolic of both protection and fertility.  I feel silly thinking this bracelet really means something but I really believe it does.  And it's totally cute too!  It's funny how you make friends on these forums.  You feel like you're the only infertile person in the world until you start connecting with these women.  I feel good today! And Joe and I have our injection training class tonight! So.Excited.

Keeping my fingers to myself

I just went to the restroom and got this overwhelming feel of relief.  I don't have to check my cervix anymore...ever. I don't think anyone in the world should have to ever do such a thing.  Today I make a promise to myself....I solemnly swear to never ever check my cervical position or my cervical mucus ever again. And that's a pinky promise! Cross my heart and hope to die stick a needle in my eye!

My Meds are here!

I got welcomed home to my boxES of meds yesterday! I must say it was a pretty good Friday the 13th. All the boxes were certainly overwhelming at first

Then I opened everything and realized they were just packed extra safely.  This is everything...minus my 2 week Lupron kit which they didn't have in stock so I have to pick it up at the pharmacy on Tuesday.

These needles can't possibly be ALL for me, can they???? Eekkk...





Enough with the damn needles!!

I am really happy with my new dentist.  It was kind of like getting my hair done.  You know how your hair dresser talks to you about your personal life? My dentist was doing that. It was kind of hard to talk to him with tools in my mouth though. I enjoyed that he asked me "Are you doing ok?" but then he was literally asking me that every 30 seconds.  I am not lying. I counted.  2x in 30 seconds.  I started to get aggrevated.  I seriously thought about biting his finger.

Anyways, I am a horrible patient at the dentist.  I always have been too.  I imagine myself being 50 years old and still fighting back tears as I sit in the chair.  It was nice that he was talking to me so much because it distracted me from when he gave me the novacaine injection. He left the room for a while and when the numbness hit me it hit me hard.  All over.  I felt tears roll down my cheek and I had to quickly get myself back together. I started thinking about that needle and that's what did it for me.  I am so sick of needles.  I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.  When I went through the ectopic pregnancy I swear I was a pin cushion.  I got my blood taken every other day for a month straight.  Monitoring the numbers going up and then monitoring them going down. Not to mention my arm looked like I was a drug addict. 

Joe and I were lying in bed this morning playfully arguing over who is going to do my injections.  I fear I won't be able to do it.  I pray I have the strength not to mess this up.  I have to turn my face even when Gia gets a shot.  How am I going to do this to myself?  We thought about who we are close enough to ask help us but there is really no one.  I don't mind though.  I really want us to go through this together- alone.

Dentist!

I am going to the dentist today and I have never been so excited.  My teeth are horrible.  It's not my fault though.  It's hereditary! I have an appointment today and one tomorrow. I am getting all of my work done before I start my meds in 1.5 weeks! I don't want anything to get in the way of our BFP!

Background Check.

For those of you who wish to follow my journey, this is a little background check...

I had my daughter, Gia, just before I turned 22.  Gia...Gia is my everything.  I smiled just as I typed her name.  She is my mini-me.  I had a whole image in my head that me and Gia would be like the Gilmore Girls.  Just me and her. Forever. Then I met Joe when she was 2 years old.  Joe was, and still is, my knight in shining armour.  He swept us both off of our feet.  Again, I am smiling just thinking about him.  Joe wanted to have kids of his own pretty much right away.  He was on a mission to do this already while we were on our honeymoon.  I however, was satisfied with my happy little family the way it was.  I felt as though I love Gia so much that I didn't have enough love for another child.  I thought she would always be my "favorite" and that would never be fair to another child. I never knew anything about my cycle and when is the "time" to conceive.  Well when we got back from our honeymoon I plugged in my previous menstrual date into an ovualtion calculator I had googled and I was shocked at what it said.  My "fertile days" were every single day of our honeymoon.  I prepared myself for a baby and I very quickly got way too excited.  Well that thought was crushed when I got my period soon after.  I totally didn't stress at first but as month after month passed, I did stress.  I started thinking What if we can't have a baby?? That's when the craziness started.  The googling, the temping, the charting, the supplements, the vitamins, and checking the CP and CM. Long story short... we conceived in August 2011 only to find out weeks later the baby was growing in my right tube.  I was treated with methotrexate and began trying again right after my HCG level returned to zero.  Again, month after month passed.  In March we saw an RE in New Jersey and he recommended going straight for IVF.  He wanted to bypass my tubes all together just incase there was any tubal damage.  THANK GOD, and I do thank Him everyday, that Joe has amazing insurance that is allowing us to have this opportunity at no cost. Well, no money cost.  There is a huge cost.  My physical health, my mental health, my emotional health. But the reward is worth the cost.  So I invite you on my journey...a road to baby.  This is really just a way for me to document my experience and keep a journal.  I am not a good writer so don't expect good grammer and fancy words.